Father's Day is almost here!
Its a day to celebrate all the wonderful fathers I have been so blessed to have in my life.
Being an adult child of divorce, I have a biological Father as well as a Step-Father. I have had a Father-in-Law for almost 22 years as well as an adoring, loving, godly man who fathers my own children.
I am blessed....
I have always been a person who tries to wake up everyday grateful to be alive and "soldier-forward". There are days I do that much better than others.
With Father's Day coming, I think I will dedicate a post to each of the fathers in my life, today being the first one I ever knew and the profound impact of that primal, important relationship.
I am the adult product of an unplanned teenage pregnancy. And I am absolutely grateful to God for His plan and purpose for my life. I am thankful to my parents for making the choice to chose my life and try and make a go of it.
I don't remember much about those first 5 years. I have a few snapshots in my mind and a couple of short movie clips. However, overall, there are really very few memories of us as a family. One of those short video clips is on the actual day my father left. I was 5 my brother was 3. It was a terribly sad day....... as anyone would imagine.
I remember the court requiring every-other-weekend visits and we did those....
for awhile.......
When I was 7, my Father remarried 10 days before my Mom remarried. I should mention here that my Father was Catholic. In order to be married in the Catholic Church he had to have his first marriage annulled. Here is the Wikipedia definition of annulment: to nullify; void: meaning that an annulled marriage is considered to be invalid from the beginning almost as if it had never taken place.
This is such a crazy idea to me!
This man had 2 children! Were they now non-existent?
I considered myself to be a Catholic until I was married and became Lutheran. This "annulment" business is one of the things I dislike very much about Catholicism.
It was a confusing time but my brother and I were accepting and welcoming to both new marriages. I don't remember either one of us having any negative feelings. Its just the was it was. I think most children are very willing and much better than us adults at accepting what comes. For some reason it gets alot harder as we age.
The young woman my father married was 20 at the time of their marriage.....we were 13 years apart. This would prove to be troublesome over time. Not quite old enough to feel motherly. Just old enough to breed contempt.
It became evident to my brother and I that it was important that we cater to her very fragile emotional insecurities. She would cry if we didn't like what she served us for dinner and complain about how we dressed. She was critical and judgemental and my father was anxious to be supportive of this new wife. He would often have "talks" with us that would plea for our pleasing behavior, praising adoration, and the model "Stepford" children she requested.
We started to be required to wear certain clothes while we stayed with them. We would change when we arrived and be sent home in the clothes we arrived in. It was quite weird.
There was alot of turmoil between my biological father and mother. Battles that raged on for years after they had remarried and moved on with their lives. There were more court dates, police visits and drama. It was painful, uncomfortable and awful. Things really escalated when my Father had my half-brother. Again, I remember my brother and I being loving and excited with this new baby in our lives but I think the impact on my brother became too painful. He loved this new baby brother, but I am sure he also felt in some way he was being replaced, compared or even overlooked. That my Father's hopes and dreams were somehow transferred to this new being.
I don't want to pretend to know the opinions or even feelings of my brother here.
Please accept these as my opinions only. Not his.
There would be another brother added a few years later and this is when my brother made a decision to stop these weekend visits. It was too much. I, however, had a deep desire to try and make it work and focus on the good things. To this moment, I still cannot decide if this was a wise decision. Perhaps I could have saved myself from alot of pain if I wasn't so naive. Sometimes that "soldiering forward" attitude gets me into alot of trouble. It keeps me from taking note of the landmines I am dodging along the way.........
hhhhhmmmmmm.....
Anyway, eventually this step-mom tired of these "children-from-the-first-marriage" and it became too uncomfortable for us to be there. There were just easier things to do like; seeing our friends, watching TV or even doing homework. We just became an obligation and we felt it.
That was it.
No phone calls, no birthday cards, nothing.
Again, that "soldiering forward" attitude reared its ugly head when I became engaged. I wondered about this father I hadn't seen in years. What became of him and did he miss us? Could we rebuild what was lost? Could I understand why he made the choices he had? I was so sure that he did and that we could.
So.......
I wrote him a letter.
He agreed to meet me and my brother at a park. We went and it wasn't what I expected at all. He didn't miss us or think about us. He had his family and we were like long-lost, distant relatives.
My brother didn't say a word.
I could feel his old pain rising to the surface and my heart broke that day. I stood up for my brother that day, defending him and us. I felt protective of those two small children that this "Father" had emotionally and physically abandoned. The end of the conversation went like this.....he would have to talk to his wife and see if she would allow us to have a relationship with them.
My brother never had a relationship with them again.
That would be the second to last time he would see him.
The last one was a brief encounter at my brother's wedding.
My father got his permission slip and I accepted the right to make a presence. I was thrilled to see my brothers. I loved them and whatever pain was being caused to detour our relationship, I felt I could overcome it in order to see them.
I did.....
for awhile...
Fast forward through the ugly details, I don't see my father anymore.
His permission slip was revoked.
She could not stand that our relationship was growing. I became a competitor for her husband's attention and an apparent rival to his affections.
It was really pathetic and sick.
I had to seek pastoral and therapeutic counsel to "soldier forward" through this one.
It was devastating.
But my father, again, made a choice.... A choice not to be a part of my life.
At some small, minuscule, level....at the time, I tried to understand my father's desire to be supportive of a wife who was ready to talk divorce if he did not fulfill this demand. He had been through a divorce already, a bad one. He was in his second half of life. He didn't want to fail again or be alone.
But I am a Mom now......
there isn't a husband, a child or a human being on the planet that could keep me away from my children.
NO WAY, NO HOW!!!
I say, man-up!!
I say, strap some on!!!
I say get a life!!!
And what kind of monster would keep a father from his children or make this kind of implorable demand?
Not a woman of God. Not a woman who values the relationship between a parent and child.
A woman who is severely insecure, clinically delusional and insanely jealous.
OK...I apologize.....that was the hurt talking but I had to get it out!!
I have moved forward from this part of my life.
I know God knows all the plans He has for me, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:10-12.
I trust those plans and the things that I have learned from them.
I know God is preparing me for the things I will need to know later. I am truly grateful for them, no matter how painful.
And there are days and moments when those feelings rise to the surface and I might need an extra hug or some words of encouragement.
And I wake up the next day and "soldier forward".....thankful for the love of God.
That He is the Father I can put all my trust in.
That I am enough.
That I am created perfectly, to Him.
That He will never, ever, abandon me.
That He has created me with the same love He has for His children.
A love that surpasses all understanding.
A love that no man can come between.
A love that will withstand all the hardships of life.
A love that I can count on, rely on, and KNOW.
A love that will last......
forever and ever.
Amen!
With Father's Day coming, I think I will dedicate a post to each of the fathers in my life, today being the first one I ever knew and the profound impact of that primal, important relationship.
I am the adult product of an unplanned teenage pregnancy. And I am absolutely grateful to God for His plan and purpose for my life. I am thankful to my parents for making the choice to chose my life and try and make a go of it.
I don't remember much about those first 5 years. I have a few snapshots in my mind and a couple of short movie clips. However, overall, there are really very few memories of us as a family. One of those short video clips is on the actual day my father left. I was 5 my brother was 3. It was a terribly sad day....... as anyone would imagine.
I remember the court requiring every-other-weekend visits and we did those....
for awhile.......
When I was 7, my Father remarried 10 days before my Mom remarried. I should mention here that my Father was Catholic. In order to be married in the Catholic Church he had to have his first marriage annulled. Here is the Wikipedia definition of annulment: to nullify; void: meaning that an annulled marriage is considered to be invalid from the beginning almost as if it had never taken place.
This is such a crazy idea to me!
This man had 2 children! Were they now non-existent?
I considered myself to be a Catholic until I was married and became Lutheran. This "annulment" business is one of the things I dislike very much about Catholicism.
It was a confusing time but my brother and I were accepting and welcoming to both new marriages. I don't remember either one of us having any negative feelings. Its just the was it was. I think most children are very willing and much better than us adults at accepting what comes. For some reason it gets alot harder as we age.
The young woman my father married was 20 at the time of their marriage.....we were 13 years apart. This would prove to be troublesome over time. Not quite old enough to feel motherly. Just old enough to breed contempt.
It became evident to my brother and I that it was important that we cater to her very fragile emotional insecurities. She would cry if we didn't like what she served us for dinner and complain about how we dressed. She was critical and judgemental and my father was anxious to be supportive of this new wife. He would often have "talks" with us that would plea for our pleasing behavior, praising adoration, and the model "Stepford" children she requested.
We started to be required to wear certain clothes while we stayed with them. We would change when we arrived and be sent home in the clothes we arrived in. It was quite weird.
There was alot of turmoil between my biological father and mother. Battles that raged on for years after they had remarried and moved on with their lives. There were more court dates, police visits and drama. It was painful, uncomfortable and awful. Things really escalated when my Father had my half-brother. Again, I remember my brother and I being loving and excited with this new baby in our lives but I think the impact on my brother became too painful. He loved this new baby brother, but I am sure he also felt in some way he was being replaced, compared or even overlooked. That my Father's hopes and dreams were somehow transferred to this new being.
I don't want to pretend to know the opinions or even feelings of my brother here.
Please accept these as my opinions only. Not his.
There would be another brother added a few years later and this is when my brother made a decision to stop these weekend visits. It was too much. I, however, had a deep desire to try and make it work and focus on the good things. To this moment, I still cannot decide if this was a wise decision. Perhaps I could have saved myself from alot of pain if I wasn't so naive. Sometimes that "soldiering forward" attitude gets me into alot of trouble. It keeps me from taking note of the landmines I am dodging along the way.........
hhhhhmmmmmm.....
Anyway, eventually this step-mom tired of these "children-from-the-first-marriage" and it became too uncomfortable for us to be there. There were just easier things to do like; seeing our friends, watching TV or even doing homework. We just became an obligation and we felt it.
That was it.
No phone calls, no birthday cards, nothing.
Again, that "soldiering forward" attitude reared its ugly head when I became engaged. I wondered about this father I hadn't seen in years. What became of him and did he miss us? Could we rebuild what was lost? Could I understand why he made the choices he had? I was so sure that he did and that we could.
So.......
I wrote him a letter.
He agreed to meet me and my brother at a park. We went and it wasn't what I expected at all. He didn't miss us or think about us. He had his family and we were like long-lost, distant relatives.
My brother didn't say a word.
I could feel his old pain rising to the surface and my heart broke that day. I stood up for my brother that day, defending him and us. I felt protective of those two small children that this "Father" had emotionally and physically abandoned. The end of the conversation went like this.....he would have to talk to his wife and see if she would allow us to have a relationship with them.
My brother never had a relationship with them again.
That would be the second to last time he would see him.
The last one was a brief encounter at my brother's wedding.
My father got his permission slip and I accepted the right to make a presence. I was thrilled to see my brothers. I loved them and whatever pain was being caused to detour our relationship, I felt I could overcome it in order to see them.
I did.....
for awhile...
Fast forward through the ugly details, I don't see my father anymore.
His permission slip was revoked.
She could not stand that our relationship was growing. I became a competitor for her husband's attention and an apparent rival to his affections.
It was really pathetic and sick.
I had to seek pastoral and therapeutic counsel to "soldier forward" through this one.
It was devastating.
But my father, again, made a choice.... A choice not to be a part of my life.
At some small, minuscule, level....at the time, I tried to understand my father's desire to be supportive of a wife who was ready to talk divorce if he did not fulfill this demand. He had been through a divorce already, a bad one. He was in his second half of life. He didn't want to fail again or be alone.
But I am a Mom now......
there isn't a husband, a child or a human being on the planet that could keep me away from my children.
NO WAY, NO HOW!!!
I say, man-up!!
I say, strap some on!!!
I say get a life!!!
And what kind of monster would keep a father from his children or make this kind of implorable demand?
Not a woman of God. Not a woman who values the relationship between a parent and child.
A woman who is severely insecure, clinically delusional and insanely jealous.
OK...I apologize.....that was the hurt talking but I had to get it out!!
I have moved forward from this part of my life.
I know God knows all the plans He has for me, "plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:10-12.
I trust those plans and the things that I have learned from them.
I know God is preparing me for the things I will need to know later. I am truly grateful for them, no matter how painful.
And there are days and moments when those feelings rise to the surface and I might need an extra hug or some words of encouragement.
And I wake up the next day and "soldier forward".....thankful for the love of God.
That He is the Father I can put all my trust in.
That I am enough.
That I am created perfectly, to Him.
That He will never, ever, abandon me.
That He has created me with the same love He has for His children.
A love that surpasses all understanding.
A love that no man can come between.
A love that will withstand all the hardships of life.
A love that I can count on, rely on, and KNOW.
A love that will last......
forever and ever.
Amen!
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