At a Crossroads...........

I am going to put myself out on a limb here, and try to explain what is on my heart lately......

I hope my words will be received in the same spirit in which I write them here......They present themselves on this post exactly as they live in my heart.......

I would never ever condemn anyone for what they believe to be true for themselves.....

This is just me......my humble heart, releasing here, what it believes, and hopes and yearns to be.........righteous in my Fathers name........

Please accept my genuine, bent-knee request for forgiveness if I offend or hurt anyone else's truth....

I have believed in my Heavenly Father since my earliest memory....I had an awareness of His presence in my life as soon as I became aware of my own.......

I loved being in church.......I was always amazed, as a young girl, by the community of others gathering  together to worship Him........It gave me a sense of belonging, beyond my family, that I was connected in a profoundly deep relationship with this larger group of others who congregated with me, at church.........The church and the people in it, always filled me with comfort, peace and contentment......Like returning home from a long absence, every single time I came.......I have that experience, still today.......

As a human experience, mine wasn't spared any of the typical dysfunction........My faith healed what had been broken, absent or left undone.........My relationship with my Father became my life-force, in the fullest most complete sense........

My faith began in the Catholic church.  I was baptized as an infant, I assume of my father's insistence......My parents divorced when I was five and therefore my church attendance was much more limited until I was in middle school......In middleschool, we moved 45 minutes away, to a house that was 1/4 mile from the nearest church......And it was no accident that that church was a Catholic one.......(my husband and I have come to call this a "God-shot")

I began attending church, sometimes Saturday nights and sometimes on Sunday, from that time........

I did this alone, but didn't feel strange about it at all........Again, it felt like home......("God-shot")

I then signed up for a new-member class......The teacher of that class had a daughter my age at my new school.....We became friends........Through that relationship I met others who were in the confirmation program.........(see where I am going here?)

In high-school, I then began asking other friends, whom didn't attend that church (maybe not any church) to come with me.......It wasn't unusual for us to go to church on Saturday night and then get some dinner afterwards.........This became pretty consistent throughout high-school and until I met my husband.......

The only relationship I had, prior to my husband, was with a boy who lived 1 block from me.  He also attended this Catholic church........

My husband is a life-long Lutheran......His family has a documented three hundred year history in the Lutheran church, at minimum...........And as I have written here before, I knew almost immediately that he was meant to be my husband......Yikes!  Could I be a Lutheran?

From the first night we met, our faith was discussed.......Among hours and hours of conversation, we revealed each of our hopes, dreams, beliefs and the details that revealed our hearts openly, to each other.......yeah, profoundly significant hours of my life........one of the many bold affirmations that remind me who I am......A child of God.........(Yup, GS)

So, before I was willing to commit my life to this man, I needed to find out about this "Lutheran" thing......What did he believe?  Could I faithfully, without reservation, embrace this new home that my husband invited me into?

I studied for 9 months, every Sunday afternoon, with my husband's pastor.........He was so gracious to me and gifted me with his emense vault of biblical and theological knowledge........I am still so grateful for those months......

And fast forward, 26 1/2 years later, I have called myself a Lutheran, raised my children as Lutherans and identified myself as such, wholly..........

Here is the wrinkle.......The larger church body that governs our particular chapter, made a decision to revise their stand on same sex marriage......

Yeah, I know.......Turn on your air-conditioner, grab an icy cold beverage, it's getting hot in here!......

It's a major political hot topic.......

Since that decision by our larger church body, we have seen the impact of the issue.......Many people, in my case Christian's, are very divided on this subject........many churches, under this bigger body, have severed their relationship with that larger body..........We, our church, have been divided on this issue, not unlike the division this subject seems to have on the entire population, Christian or otherwise.......

So here we are.........

Until the immediate past, my husband and I felt strongly about the institution of marriage.......That God's purpose for marriage was between a man and a woman.......This is not to say we do not consider ourselves anymore worthy of love or respect than anyone else, heterosexual or homosexual........I have had very close friends that were gay, and I have loved them, dearly.........

But this is what my husband and I believe, from what our personal study, our group studies, our pastoral counsels and how we interpret the bible........

Until about a month ago.........

Now, we are experiencing this division, in our home, in our marriage......

My husband decided to devote hours and hours on this issue, as he is called to do, if his heart is wrestless..........and I am bewildered and devasted that I was not aware that he was unsure.......I had no idea.......we had always been convicted about this issue.......we were honest and not uncomfortable to respectfully share our beliefs about this subject.......We didnt question this confirmation of ideas at all.......We stood firmly, or so I believed.......

But, I guess, my husband didn't........

This wasn't on my radar......I didn't see it, even remotely, on the agenda.........

My husband is my best friend.......I know him inside out........and I could confidently proclaim that I even know him better than he knows himself!!........Ask him!   He will attest to this.............

But how could I truly know my husband, genuinely, on the intimate, deepest level, if I didn't feel this shift in his heart?  I know his heart......I recognized it before we exchanged one word to each other.....

How could I not feel this change coming?  How could I not sense this?

So.........

The familiarity in our relationship has become askew........What my heart has assumed and taken for granted for 26 1/2 years feels loose, unstable and out of rhythm......

It is more than the issue at hand........I admit that I am not only taken back by this reversal but the wake that this has created impacts other chambers.......it spills over to other spaces that reveal new questions, new fears, new doubts.........

I believe my husband has made the right decision for him.....He is awkward in his new testimony, 

a bit defensive, and sometimes worn the similar garments this issue adorns on either side.......condemnation, justification, and an outspokenness that I am not used to......to be honest, as these conversations have transpired, I am accountable for those transgressions as well........

But even still, I believe he feels righteous in his new understanding of the prophets and the living words of God..........

So we are divided.......

The same words, from the same book, mirror back to us different images..........Our eyes, and our brains, read the same words, now, with different lenses, different intellectual and spiritual interpretation..........Our hearts receive these words, Gods words, with different emotions, with different pulses........

And just as my God's words springforth from the same pages that my husband has so intently dissected, their literal yet living messages are both speaking truth to each of us..........in different languages, it seems.........

I am shaken........I am saddened by this journey of my husbands that I feel excluded from.......I feel like I am truly grieving........There is a pain of loss.......Like there has been an accident, a sudden emergent fatality of sorts........I can't put my finger on it.......

I have so many questions......

Some of them:

How will it feel to differ so greatly in our interpretation of the bible?  Of our faith?  Of the teachings of our God?  Can we still feel connected, on the same intimately deep level with such different beliefs Of God's purpose for our lives?  Isn't that the very first thing that bound us together?  It certainly is the deepest aspect of our relationship.......

If someone has had strong, passionate beliefs on any specific issue, does it mean they may waver on others, too?  Does it mean at any given moment in our relationship that the proverbial "rug-pulled-out-from-under-me" feeling may rise up, unannounced, at any given time on other issues I know to be true?

Can we have the utmost respect and trust for each other that is essential in a successful, life-long marriage?  

Will this seperatness that I feel begin to unravel in other areas?  Like a virus or in curable disease?

Do we truly know each other like I have always believed?  Truly?  

This is where I find myself on this day of Valentines.......

I don't know how to live here.....in this strange place that is so completely unfamiliar.........

I feel like I need to pick up the phone and seek counsel from my best friend.......but wait......my husband is my best friend.........

The solice I seek must be found in Him.......If I am wrong about Gods divine purpose for marriage, my eyes will meet Gods, at His invitation, with remorse and repentance........But I have rest knowing and believing that He knows my heart!.......He created it!  He knows that His love and His ways surpass my understanding......He knows that I have worked so hard to righteously understand, with human knowledge, his purposes and teachings for my life.........And my actions are not unloving or unforgiving of my brothers and sisters.......My heart is merely devoted to my Lord whom I want to be received as a "good and faithful" servant........Not without blemish, but in service to Him with an unshakable devotion......

So.....I continue on......with my cross securely braced upon my right shoulder.........My current pace shudders.....I stagger and stumble to find my balance.......

I am readjusting my beloved cross, once again, just as I have done before.........

I stand at this crossroads of my journey, tired, shaken and unbalanced.......

I am currently, so carefully, listening for His direction..........