It's Been a Million Days......

I feels like it anyway since I have taken any time to write here........

I am learning that the word "patience" is indicative of just that.....endless movements without certainty of the outcome or end result.........stagnant, stuck, quiet, helpless, bound, tired........

This season of patience, that I find myself in, includes sleeplessness, heartbreak, fear, constant anxiety and more questions than answers.........

However.........I still see God.......I see him working.......I know He is here with us fulfilling a plan beyond what I can possibly imagine.........

There are affirmations of His hand, in ours, in the most desperate, unexpected moments.........

He isn't leaving us alone.........

Yet, I am trying, unsuccessfully, to trust him COMPLETELY........At times I am reluctant to let go of the steering wheel, even though I know I am not the driver and the destination is not in my navigation.....

I am weak and ashamed to admit that I let my fear wash over His love and truth.........At times I demand answers, beg for healing, barter for understanding, ask all the "why me's"...........

And I wait........the requirement for patience is relentless,  it's weighs heavy on my heart.......I ache for healing, for endurance, for wisdom, for comfort..........

And then, there are moments, sometimes a cluster of them, when the fog lifts and the rays of sunshine break through the mucky clouds...........I HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS ALREADY..........

I have healing, maybe not the kind I have prayed for, but there is healing in other ways.......

And boy, have I endured!!!!  This has been a very long road and without endurance to put one foot in front of the other, I wouldn't be here.......

And Wisdom........God has placed many, many angels in our lives throughout this season......unexpected angels at unexpected times, in unexpected places..........I am so thankful!

Comfort is mine, not in the way I have hoped for, but in an ultimate kind of way.......Knowing God is with me, with us, and we are not alone.......This is what brings me the comfort to close my eyes at night and to swing my feet over the bed in the morning and stand, greeting another day.......

I must keep my eyes on him, my knees on the ground and my hand clasped firmly together.......

My heart beats continuously for Him.......

And for him..........