Kairos..............

Waiting for the "right time"......for God's time........

Because that is the perfect time to heal him.........

The ONLY time to heal him......

In the mean time, I twist and wring out my hands with sweat, try and quiet the doubts and fears that rise up inside in me, and keep wiping the tears that stain my checks and cloud my vision.........

"Jesus, how can You possibly pour into to him when he is so closed to us and to You?".........

"Jesus, how can I get him on the path to You and to healing if he cannot even see the sinful, dangerous, destructive world he is living?"........

"Jesus, how do I hold the face and heart of this angel and walk in Your Grace without allowing this to suck me in like a funnel of darkness?".........

It's getting harder......

This demon is relentless.......

It has a firm hold and powerful grasp......

Only You, Jesus, can release this......

We keep seeking, praying, and asking for Your wisdom to heal him........the angels that have tried, have failed........

But maybe You are calling for an army of angels.......

As we await the meeting of the newest angel, I try patiently, ever so patiently, to await Your healing.....

And my prayers certainly are for him, ALL for him.......

But I am weak and weary........I need to rest my soul in your arms......I need to repair my broken heart with Your love.........

Waiting for your "kairos" sweet, Jesus...........,,,,

Please, armor us with Your strength, Your wisdom, Your comfort, Your healing!!

Your healing..........Your healing.........Your healing.........

......So Very Much.........

........and I hugged him until the pressure released all the air from my lungs and all the love from   

         heart................

.......and I whispered "I just love you so very much"...........

.......and he smiled, that sweet, but scarce, tweeked smile, that heals my soul and warms the love that     

       I feel for him in the branches of my veins.........

......."I love you, too" he answered..........

........and I hold it, ever so closely in my heart tonight, as my eyes close and I praise God so gratefully, 

        for this day, just this one, that he is here........

.......safely, in the loving arms of his family, being loved........

.......and, hopefully, I pray, feeling loved........

It's Been a Million Days......

I feels like it anyway since I have taken any time to write here........

I am learning that the word "patience" is indicative of just that.....endless movements without certainty of the outcome or end result.........stagnant, stuck, quiet, helpless, bound, tired........

This season of patience, that I find myself in, includes sleeplessness, heartbreak, fear, constant anxiety and more questions than answers.........

However.........I still see God.......I see him working.......I know He is here with us fulfilling a plan beyond what I can possibly imagine.........

There are affirmations of His hand, in ours, in the most desperate, unexpected moments.........

He isn't leaving us alone.........

Yet, I am trying, unsuccessfully, to trust him COMPLETELY........At times I am reluctant to let go of the steering wheel, even though I know I am not the driver and the destination is not in my navigation.....

I am weak and ashamed to admit that I let my fear wash over His love and truth.........At times I demand answers, beg for healing, barter for understanding, ask all the "why me's"...........

And I wait........the requirement for patience is relentless,  it's weighs heavy on my heart.......I ache for healing, for endurance, for wisdom, for comfort..........

And then, there are moments, sometimes a cluster of them, when the fog lifts and the rays of sunshine break through the mucky clouds...........I HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS ALREADY..........

I have healing, maybe not the kind I have prayed for, but there is healing in other ways.......

And boy, have I endured!!!!  This has been a very long road and without endurance to put one foot in front of the other, I wouldn't be here.......

And Wisdom........God has placed many, many angels in our lives throughout this season......unexpected angels at unexpected times, in unexpected places..........I am so thankful!

Comfort is mine, not in the way I have hoped for, but in an ultimate kind of way.......Knowing God is with me, with us, and we are not alone.......This is what brings me the comfort to close my eyes at night and to swing my feet over the bed in the morning and stand, greeting another day.......

I must keep my eyes on him, my knees on the ground and my hand clasped firmly together.......

My heart beats continuously for Him.......

And for him..........