On a Clear Day.......I Cannot Lie......I Cannot See Forever......

Hello blogger world!  Yeah, I know, it's been eons........

And as "they" say, whoever THEY are, everything and not much has changed....

Some things have finally been put to rest......My Mom finally, heroically lost her 4 year battle with lung cancer 9 months ago.  She passed peacefully, on her own terms.  I think she felt empowered to make her own final decisions. I think she felt in charge and also dignified in her decisions. I think she was depleted and exhausted to fight one more day. Throughout her life she taught me so much about being strong, physically and emotionally. And in the end, these lessons continued and I am left thankful and in awe of her capacity to endure, to sustain, and to soldier on.........

So thats one of my everything's.....it's a different world without a parent in it. There have been a couple times when I thought I saw her. There have been times when I have heard her laugh in a crowd. There have been times I wish I could talk to her......

The requests for healing for my son.......they continue.......It's been an ugly battle.  A devastating war. A relentless struggle that continues much in the same way since I left you here.......We have tried every angle, every expert, the best we can possibly afford.........I honestly there are times when I believe he is worse off then he was the last time I wrote here......

So..........the prayers continue..........as I white-knuckle "hope"..........

and.......in the next month or two, my husband and I will have to sell our forever home.......

It's heart wrenching.........

It's been a pretty dark year......right up until the final days.......

And 2016 will certainly bring us to our knees (even though I thought we were already there!)........

But, as my tattoo reminds me......

I am....."So Loved".......

Welcome September......

After a much needed long weekend, it's hard to believe its September......

I am reading about turning leaves, chilly nights and putting away summer clothing.......

Unfortunately, I don't get to experience much of that here in So Cal.  It really doesn't cool down here until about Halloween......  We are expected to hit the mid 90's here this week.....

I am envious of my fellow humans who get to revel in actual seasons!!!  It sounds marvelous to me!!  Chilly fall days, snowy winter nights, colorful rainy springs..........Can't you just picture it???

But.....I am thankful to be exactly here......Praise God for where I am planted.......It is a lovely place and I am grateful for it......

Seasons........

I am still in the "healing" season.....Waiting desperately to end this one and begin the next one.......But trying to patiently await His perfect timing in it while being still and quietly thankful for the blessings I currently live.......

Wishing September healing for anyone seeking it......Wishing September color, as only God can grant......Wishing September love spent with all those close to your hearts!

Kairos..............

Waiting for the "right time"......for God's time........

Because that is the perfect time to heal him.........

The ONLY time to heal him......

In the mean time, I twist and wring out my hands with sweat, try and quiet the doubts and fears that rise up inside in me, and keep wiping the tears that stain my checks and cloud my vision.........

"Jesus, how can You possibly pour into to him when he is so closed to us and to You?".........

"Jesus, how can I get him on the path to You and to healing if he cannot even see the sinful, dangerous, destructive world he is living?"........

"Jesus, how do I hold the face and heart of this angel and walk in Your Grace without allowing this to suck me in like a funnel of darkness?".........

It's getting harder......

This demon is relentless.......

It has a firm hold and powerful grasp......

Only You, Jesus, can release this......

We keep seeking, praying, and asking for Your wisdom to heal him........the angels that have tried, have failed........

But maybe You are calling for an army of angels.......

As we await the meeting of the newest angel, I try patiently, ever so patiently, to await Your healing.....

And my prayers certainly are for him, ALL for him.......

But I am weak and weary........I need to rest my soul in your arms......I need to repair my broken heart with Your love.........

Waiting for your "kairos" sweet, Jesus...........,,,,

Please, armor us with Your strength, Your wisdom, Your comfort, Your healing!!

Your healing..........Your healing.........Your healing.........

......So Very Much.........

........and I hugged him until the pressure released all the air from my lungs and all the love from   

         heart................

.......and I whispered "I just love you so very much"...........

.......and he smiled, that sweet, but scarce, tweeked smile, that heals my soul and warms the love that     

       I feel for him in the branches of my veins.........

......."I love you, too" he answered..........

........and I hold it, ever so closely in my heart tonight, as my eyes close and I praise God so gratefully, 

        for this day, just this one, that he is here........

.......safely, in the loving arms of his family, being loved........

.......and, hopefully, I pray, feeling loved........

It's Been a Million Days......

I feels like it anyway since I have taken any time to write here........

I am learning that the word "patience" is indicative of just that.....endless movements without certainty of the outcome or end result.........stagnant, stuck, quiet, helpless, bound, tired........

This season of patience, that I find myself in, includes sleeplessness, heartbreak, fear, constant anxiety and more questions than answers.........

However.........I still see God.......I see him working.......I know He is here with us fulfilling a plan beyond what I can possibly imagine.........

There are affirmations of His hand, in ours, in the most desperate, unexpected moments.........

He isn't leaving us alone.........

Yet, I am trying, unsuccessfully, to trust him COMPLETELY........At times I am reluctant to let go of the steering wheel, even though I know I am not the driver and the destination is not in my navigation.....

I am weak and ashamed to admit that I let my fear wash over His love and truth.........At times I demand answers, beg for healing, barter for understanding, ask all the "why me's"...........

And I wait........the requirement for patience is relentless,  it's weighs heavy on my heart.......I ache for healing, for endurance, for wisdom, for comfort..........

And then, there are moments, sometimes a cluster of them, when the fog lifts and the rays of sunshine break through the mucky clouds...........I HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS ALREADY..........

I have healing, maybe not the kind I have prayed for, but there is healing in other ways.......

And boy, have I endured!!!!  This has been a very long road and without endurance to put one foot in front of the other, I wouldn't be here.......

And Wisdom........God has placed many, many angels in our lives throughout this season......unexpected angels at unexpected times, in unexpected places..........I am so thankful!

Comfort is mine, not in the way I have hoped for, but in an ultimate kind of way.......Knowing God is with me, with us, and we are not alone.......This is what brings me the comfort to close my eyes at night and to swing my feet over the bed in the morning and stand, greeting another day.......

I must keep my eyes on him, my knees on the ground and my hand clasped firmly together.......

My heart beats continuously for Him.......

And for him..........

A Carbon "Heartprint"........

                                      "So loved".......John 3:16

I was listening to the radio this morning in the car.......

The topic of discussion was energy conservation and leaving our "carbon footprint"........

Of course, this is not the first time any of us have heard this topic......

Although I do my best to conserve energy, water and be a good steward of God's gifts on the planet, I do not really dialogue about leaving a carbon footprint very often......

I have thought a lot lately about what my hopes were for my children when I became a Mom......

I am sure they were and are pretty common with most other Mommy's who adore their children........

But I realized that I have failed in many areas I had so hoped to teach them, share with them and protect them from.......If I had a chance for a do-over, I honestly don't know how I could have done it any differently, although I am sure I could have......

So.......as I continue on my quest to be the best Mom that I can be, my prayer is that I will leave a carbon "Heartprint" on my children's lives........That my greatest legacy will be a gift of faith.......The gift of knowing how much God loves them and that Jesus died for them........

No matter what happens and whatever I have failed to teach them, by my words or my example, that they would have the faith of a warrior........

Because my entire survival is because of Gods love and grace for me.......

And if they, too, have a heart full of love and service in faith.......

Then there is no greater legacy than that.........

Gods love and grace will fill the gaps in my teaching and my loving......

And that is my ultimate prayer for my children.....

To leave a carbon "Heartprint" of faith so strong and unshakable, that any storm, any hardship, any temptation will have no place in their journey........

The Third Day of Summer........

This is the view from The Getty Museum........

That's Century City in the foreground and downtown L.A. in the background........

If you have not had a chance to visit the Getty yet, it's really a "must-do"..........it has unmatchable views of Los Angeles and it is so lovely........You can just spend the entire afternoon with an iced tea and a patio chair and be perfectly content.....

Don't know what's in store for the rest of the summer.......

I hope to get back here very soon......

And yes........I have already heard the infamous words from my final child "I'M BORED"!

It's going to be a long, hot summer!............