Kairos..............

Waiting for the "right time"......for God's time........

Because that is the perfect time to heal him.........

The ONLY time to heal him......

In the mean time, I twist and wring out my hands with sweat, try and quiet the doubts and fears that rise up inside in me, and keep wiping the tears that stain my checks and cloud my vision.........

"Jesus, how can You possibly pour into to him when he is so closed to us and to You?".........

"Jesus, how can I get him on the path to You and to healing if he cannot even see the sinful, dangerous, destructive world he is living?"........

"Jesus, how do I hold the face and heart of this angel and walk in Your Grace without allowing this to suck me in like a funnel of darkness?".........

It's getting harder......

This demon is relentless.......

It has a firm hold and powerful grasp......

Only You, Jesus, can release this......

We keep seeking, praying, and asking for Your wisdom to heal him........the angels that have tried, have failed........

But maybe You are calling for an army of angels.......

As we await the meeting of the newest angel, I try patiently, ever so patiently, to await Your healing.....

And my prayers certainly are for him, ALL for him.......

But I am weak and weary........I need to rest my soul in your arms......I need to repair my broken heart with Your love.........

Waiting for your "kairos" sweet, Jesus...........,,,,

Please, armor us with Your strength, Your wisdom, Your comfort, Your healing!!

Your healing..........Your healing.........Your healing.........

......So Very Much.........

........and I hugged him until the pressure released all the air from my lungs and all the love from   

         heart................

.......and I whispered "I just love you so very much"...........

.......and he smiled, that sweet, but scarce, tweeked smile, that heals my soul and warms the love that     

       I feel for him in the branches of my veins.........

......."I love you, too" he answered..........

........and I hold it, ever so closely in my heart tonight, as my eyes close and I praise God so gratefully, 

        for this day, just this one, that he is here........

.......safely, in the loving arms of his family, being loved........

.......and, hopefully, I pray, feeling loved........

It's Been a Million Days......

I feels like it anyway since I have taken any time to write here........

I am learning that the word "patience" is indicative of just that.....endless movements without certainty of the outcome or end result.........stagnant, stuck, quiet, helpless, bound, tired........

This season of patience, that I find myself in, includes sleeplessness, heartbreak, fear, constant anxiety and more questions than answers.........

However.........I still see God.......I see him working.......I know He is here with us fulfilling a plan beyond what I can possibly imagine.........

There are affirmations of His hand, in ours, in the most desperate, unexpected moments.........

He isn't leaving us alone.........

Yet, I am trying, unsuccessfully, to trust him COMPLETELY........At times I am reluctant to let go of the steering wheel, even though I know I am not the driver and the destination is not in my navigation.....

I am weak and ashamed to admit that I let my fear wash over His love and truth.........At times I demand answers, beg for healing, barter for understanding, ask all the "why me's"...........

And I wait........the requirement for patience is relentless,  it's weighs heavy on my heart.......I ache for healing, for endurance, for wisdom, for comfort..........

And then, there are moments, sometimes a cluster of them, when the fog lifts and the rays of sunshine break through the mucky clouds...........I HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS ALREADY..........

I have healing, maybe not the kind I have prayed for, but there is healing in other ways.......

And boy, have I endured!!!!  This has been a very long road and without endurance to put one foot in front of the other, I wouldn't be here.......

And Wisdom........God has placed many, many angels in our lives throughout this season......unexpected angels at unexpected times, in unexpected places..........I am so thankful!

Comfort is mine, not in the way I have hoped for, but in an ultimate kind of way.......Knowing God is with me, with us, and we are not alone.......This is what brings me the comfort to close my eyes at night and to swing my feet over the bed in the morning and stand, greeting another day.......

I must keep my eyes on him, my knees on the ground and my hand clasped firmly together.......

My heart beats continuously for Him.......

And for him..........

A Carbon "Heartprint"........

                                      "So loved".......John 3:16

I was listening to the radio this morning in the car.......

The topic of discussion was energy conservation and leaving our "carbon footprint"........

Of course, this is not the first time any of us have heard this topic......

Although I do my best to conserve energy, water and be a good steward of God's gifts on the planet, I do not really dialogue about leaving a carbon footprint very often......

I have thought a lot lately about what my hopes were for my children when I became a Mom......

I am sure they were and are pretty common with most other Mommy's who adore their children........

But I realized that I have failed in many areas I had so hoped to teach them, share with them and protect them from.......If I had a chance for a do-over, I honestly don't know how I could have done it any differently, although I am sure I could have......

So.......as I continue on my quest to be the best Mom that I can be, my prayer is that I will leave a carbon "Heartprint" on my children's lives........That my greatest legacy will be a gift of faith.......The gift of knowing how much God loves them and that Jesus died for them........

No matter what happens and whatever I have failed to teach them, by my words or my example, that they would have the faith of a warrior........

Because my entire survival is because of Gods love and grace for me.......

And if they, too, have a heart full of love and service in faith.......

Then there is no greater legacy than that.........

Gods love and grace will fill the gaps in my teaching and my loving......

And that is my ultimate prayer for my children.....

To leave a carbon "Heartprint" of faith so strong and unshakable, that any storm, any hardship, any temptation will have no place in their journey........

The Third Day of Summer........

This is the view from The Getty Museum........

That's Century City in the foreground and downtown L.A. in the background........

If you have not had a chance to visit the Getty yet, it's really a "must-do"..........it has unmatchable views of Los Angeles and it is so lovely........You can just spend the entire afternoon with an iced tea and a patio chair and be perfectly content.....

Don't know what's in store for the rest of the summer.......

I hope to get back here very soon......

And yes........I have already heard the infamous words from my final child "I'M BORED"!

It's going to be a long, hot summer!............

The Gentlest of Gentlemen.........

I think he holds the wisdom of all the world in those eyes......the windows to his gentle soul......

Spending the afternoon among this gentlest of gentlemen.......

He makes you forget about everything else going on in the world.....

He commands peace, serenity and love......

I am thankful for the opportunity of respute..........

Progress.....it's a Funny Thing.........

Progress.......it's a funny thing......

Progress, despite personal fulfillment, is forward moving......It's positive motion towards beneficial health and wellness with the eventual outcome leading to inner happiness....

Isn't it?........Or am I wrong?.........

Don't we have to sometimes live in an uncomfortable state to reap the benefits of progress?......

Doesn't the "progress" of forward moving discomfort meant to teach us to live in adversity?  To survive in undesirable conditions no matter how unsatisfying it may be to our own personal human gratification?........

When we decide we can no longer live there, does it mean we are weak? Selfish? Narcissistic? Certainly we are human and sinful, but what does it take to find the courage and willful drive to live in that uncomfortable space, FOR NOW, not forever.........JUST FOR NOW........and patiently await what we find on the other side?........

Why do we insist on needing to gratify ourselves at whatever cost......to our health, our safety, our relationships, our loved ones?..........

Why isn't our promise to each other more important than our human desires?  Why isn't our word, our self-respect, our integrity most important?  Why is disappointing people you love, breaking your promise to them, less important than our own desires?

What is even more confusing is when progress is misread, misinterpreted.......When you trust the process of progress........and sometimes, when you trust the words of someone you deeply love.....

You believe their promise, their words.......They are moving forward, they are doing the uncomfortable work, they are making progress.....

Perhaps progress is abstract......perhaps progress is objective.....Perhaps one person's progress is another persons prison......Perhaps progress cannot be obtainable within the bounds that we define it....Perhaps progress must be left for God to map, to navigate, to define......Perhaps the progress of one will be the at the cost of others......Perhaps progress may not include safety, health or wellness.....Perhaps God must allow ramifications to light the paths of others......

I am processing at the moment.......these are streams of trying to understand.......Please God, help me understand this!......Give me the strength and patience to trust you in this space I find myself in......

My heart hurts, my being aches for answers, my soul prays for healing.......