Change.......

Making Changes....

Frustration

Powerlessness

Unwilling to let go

To move in a different direction

To rewrite "the plan"

To keep the heart open

Edit the chapters

Re illustrate the landscapes

Remodel the original 

Unexpected

Unstable

Fear of the Unknown.......

What is it about change that makes us so dis shoveled?  What is it about life that makes us become so complacent in our environments instead of restless for the adventure??  Why do we find comfort in the stability of living the same days, over and over?? We get up every morning, in the same bed, the same house, attend the same school or job, come home and eat the same meal, watch the same T.V. show??

When life throws us a curve that requires unplanned changes, why does that completely shake-up our foundation?  

Is it the "creatures of habit" idea?  Is it an entitlement issue?? Do we feel entitled to our same 4 walls, our same jobs and our same sports games, night after night??

I don't know,  but I don't like them either......in fact, AT ALL!!  Its something I need to work on, constantly.  

I am sure I become completely undone by change......I am sure it is my fears that feed this deep anxiety.  I like things to stay the same. 

 I like knowing whats coming.  

I like making plans and trusting the final results will happen.

I know at some level, I make small changes all day long.......  an appointment, a meal or a pair of shoes.

But its the big ones I need work on......

I'm working on it..... with the help of God.......

Everyday......

Is Your Tank On?????

Have you ever been surprised by something that you thought you needed, but didn't notice when it was gone?

 I talked to my Mom on the phone today and her voice was clear, her coughs were few and her tone was lifted......She explained her day yesterday with enthusiastic disbelief........She explained that when her cannula is in, she cannot feel the oxygen coming out and into her nose.  The only way she knows it is on is by checking the dials on the machine.  Yesterday, as she sat "cannulated", her friend walked by and said "Is your oxygen tank broken?"  My mom replied "no", that it indeed was working.  Her friend then responded, "Well then why are the dials at zero?"  My mom's tank was in fact, not turned on.  She had gone 2 hours without any oxygen at all!!  This is someone who has been relying on oxygen 24/7 for the past 10 months!!!  What a miracle!!  Now.....as I started to get incredibly happy for her, she reminded me that to be hopeful is a luxury at this point.  She reminded me that she WILL be back in the hospital eventually and although this was an incredible happening,  it was just a fleeting good fortunate fluke.  But  I wanted to lift her spirits, to just live in that moment of thankfulness for the present and take in the indisputable fact that she did BREATHE, ON HER OWN, for 120 minutes!!!!  

But my poor little Mom is fearful to be optimistic.  She has been through so much these past 16 months.  Her health declining steadily with each passing day.  The last six months have been spent more in the hospital than out of it.   Its beyond the measures of my mind how she keeps finding the strength to fight.  I am in awe of her strength and her drive for life. 

 I am thankful for that life source that keeps her focused.  I am so thankful that she has come to know God.  I pray that He remains a steady focus for her and that He brings her comfort when it is immeasurably difficult.  I pray that she knows the love He has for her, despite any wrong doings, known or unknown.  I pray that for whatever His reason is for her slow health decline, that I am forever grateful for this extra time with her.

There are a few things that my heart finds invaluable to beat for........in fact, if it could speak, I am sure it would define them as necessities.........my wise husband, my handsome firstborn, my loving freshman, and the final child of my heart.....

But deep inside, in the outer banks of my heart......where the Divine birth of my true-self was created.....I know all I really need........ever........even when my family is beyond my reach......

even when my tank is off........

All I really ever need......

is 

Him.

"Lights will Guide You Home".......

This is the concert my firstborn went to last night in Portland.  He sent us a small video of what he saw from where he sat!!!  Amazing!! I am so envious and so glad he was able to go.

He is back in his dorm room now, safe and sound from his concert adventure.  I didn't sleep well last night worrying about him.  He is 19 and has always made very responsible choices.  But I guess when he's 60 and I am 88, I will still worry.

I guess that is what comes with the territory, being a Mom.  It changes you forever.  The world suddenly becomes a very scary place.  Its a completely innate instinct, like a mother bear protecting her cubs......except that I wonder if the mother bear stops worrying about her cubs when they are grown and gone?  She gives them roots and wings and sends them on their way to be adults?  She never has a sleepless night wondering if they caught enough salmon that day??  If they are in a safe den for hibernation???  If they have eaten enough to last for the winter???

I don't know.  But I do know that us mothers, of the human-kind, carry our cub's hearts forever inside our own......It never shuts off or mellows.....We wonder if our cubs are safe, healthy, full and happy....... I guess this is how God intended and really how He loves us......He is always there, to provide for our every need.....our safety, our health, our full bellies and even our joy!!  

So as I sit here, I have two cubs, sound asleep and safe in their beds.......I am worried about my third cub, my firstborn cub......but I am reassured knowing he is in his Father's loving care tonight......and He is looking after him tonight...

So maybe, just maybe, I can actually get some sleep!

Concerts, Coldplay and Catching ZZZZZZZZ's......

This is my firstborn, when he was only months from the safe haven of my belly......

Oh how I wish I could keep him that close to me and always safe and within reach....

Tonight he is at a concert in Portland seeing one of his favorite groups, Coldplay.  We gave him these tickets for his birthday, early, because they were going to be close enough to school so he could see them live.......

I know he will have a blast but I am sure it will be another sleepless night until I know he is safely back in his dorm room tomorrow afternoon....

I remember my first concert, Berlin, at the Greek Theatre.  I was completely in awe that night.  Seeing a band live for the first time only feet from me.......It was sensory overload......the sounds coming from that stage were so immense I could hardly hear the person next to me.  The bass sounds were pounding deep within my chest......the lighted stage was a visual delight, moving, flashing and sweeping over the stage and audience.......and the audience!!! I was blown away by all those people!!! So many people came from so many places to hear this band play!! I imagined what that must have feet like to the band!  My mind was racing!!!  And of course, the smells that were unfamiliar to me until that night.  It didn't even occur to me until days later what that unusual aroma was.....

I love concerts.  I don't go to many anymore.  But we are a family who enjoys the arts and I am so glad my children have grown up to not only appreciate them but live them as well.  

This firstborn of mine is pursuing a degree in music performance with an emphasis in studio guitar.

I couldn't be more proud of him and could listen to him play his guitar(s) and/or the piano as long as he is willing to play them.  He's amazing!

Do you remember your first concert???

The Annoying "To-Do" list..........

It was kind of a "soggy" day outside.... mist and grey clouds covered a would-be sunny spring day.

So.....I decided to try and finally finish up some of those small mundane jobs that keep moving to the bottom of the "to-do" list....

I put up a cheaters version of crown moulding in my guest bathroom some months ago......Today I finished up the caulking and filling all the nail holes.  It now looks like this:

I also did a cheaters version of baseboard moulding, too........Instead of removing the old small baseboard, I painted a 2" stripe of the same color above the baseboard and then added a small pencil moulding above that.......It creates the look of a 5" moulding.  Like this:

It saves a little time and money.

Tomorrow I will touch up the paint on both and check them off "the list".

Do you have any small jobs just begging to be marked off the "to-do" list?

The Trail Walk.......

My freshman and I went for a trail walk yesterday.  It was a gorgeous, late afternoon stroll through our generous mountain trails.  Every time I walk these paths I am reminded of the beauty right in my own backyard.  It stops me in my own footsteps and forces me to breathe and inhale the good fortune of my very existence.  

These times with my family are and will be some of my greatest memories.  Its our time to talk, share, catch-up on each others life inspirations.  I treasure these walks.  I always will hold them close in all my senses......... the breathtaking scenery.......the green smell of the trees.......the musty smell of the creek running very still now......dodging the sights and smell of horse manure along the way......seeing new creatures; horses, goats, alpacas, donkeys, bunnies, stink bugs, varieties of dogs, and lizards......the sounds of meaningful conversation, crunching leaves, gravel and hardened mud at our feet........the familiarity of these paths, walking them without thinking, knowing where they will always end up....home.

If we have to ever leave this place in the world, it is these walks I will take with me as I continue on my own life-path....my continuous life-trail walk.  I pray that I will always have loved ones in my life to walk them with, to breathe them in with...

May your trail walks, wherever they are, never be alone........

and always, without thinking.....

lead you home.

The Gift of the Message............

This is my cherubic freshman many eons ago....

Tonight he performed in another high school play!! He was fabulous!!

I am so amazed at these students.  The talent just ooozzess from that stage!!  Its just incredible to watch and always a pleasure.  The last piece was called "The Gift" (I think)....So moving and so inspiring.  The gift was Jesus.  

I am so thankful to be able to witness my child and his friends and peers having the freedom and privelege to share their faith at school.  Its truly profound and I could not feel more blessed to watch these children share their passion and their love for the Lord with us!!

I feel so incredibly loved and undeservingly blessed by their hard work and their inspiring message that they shared with us tonight!

Nights like these remind me why we decided on Christian School for our children.  I went to public school my entire life.  My husband went to a Christian School.  We both agreed on the decision to send them to a school where their faith was not only free to share, but the forefront of their daily lives.  They are encouraged and uplifted in their relationship with God and that is one of the most important things we could ever do for them.  At home, at church and at school.  Keep sending the message that Jesus is their gift, their most treasured gift.

I am so thankful for that message tonight!!!

Those Lines on my Face.......

Uuuuugggggg!  I'm getting old.........my final child asks today, "What are those lines on your face?".......Hhhhmmmmmm........Those lines..............I shared this story with my husband and his response was, "You could probably get Botox for those".

Well now,  I am getting old........but those lines on my face have always reminded me of my grandmother.  I remember being at my grandmother's house (I spent alot of time with her as a child) and noticing all those tiny lines around her eyes when she smiled at me.  She had a terrific laugh too and when she laughed out loud her eyes would squint with delight and those prominent wrinkles would reveal a star burst-like effect that made her face radiate with joy!  I loved those lines.

I don't enjoy aging......its not what I signed up for.  Gravity is not my friend and everything seems to be headed south. I guess you could say my youthful ice-caps are melting and global warming has set in.    But every time I look in the mirror those very same creases and indentations echo with the memory of my grandmother.  She was one of the strongest, hardest working women I have ever known.  She managed my grandfather's business, raised four children and even more grandchildren.  She was an impeccable bookkeeper and like I mentioned before, her joy seemed infectious to those around her.  I learned alot from her.

So..........those lines on my face are in fact the markings of "moving on in years" but also the joy and 

wisdom of many lives lived before me, and for me.  They whisper hard-work, commitment and undeniable joy!

So those lines on my face.......I think I'll keep them.  

Sorry, Botox!

Getting Back on the Horse.....

Not me......my final child.  Today, I learned how to be brave, through my daughter.  Today she faced her fear......she looked it boldly between the eyes and rode right through it (quite literally).  

She has been having trouble with her pony lately.  He is being "a pony" and not listening as well as he should.  He has been having a little fun lifting his rear legs lately when she asks him to canter.  Its great fun for him, not so much fun for final child.  She has to work quite hard to hang on when he does this......luckily shes a tough cookie and so strong, she manages to stay in her seat.

Today, she cantered her pony, although he still wanted to be playful......She pushed him through it and herself and made him listen......and he did!!! 

That entire scenario is life, isn't it??? Learning how to keep on trying no matter how scared we are.  Stay in our seats no matter how rough the ride gets.  Wake up the next day and mount that same pony.......over and over again and try to enjoy it all the while......

Tomorrow will be much the same.......

I am thankful for the courage to keep trying, for the strength to stay focused and for the laughter that we still manage to find through it all....

Hold on and enjoy the ride.....

Squirrels and Bunnies and Hawks, Oh My!!

Well, its official!!! Spring is here! 

I have seen 6 squirrels today for the first time in months!  Bunnies happily grazing on my freshly cut grass in the backyard.  We also watched a hawk on our patio and in our nearby avocado tree.  Wondered if those squirrels with the fluffy tails were going to be the hawk's afternoon snack.

My Niece came by tonight with her senior picture and the announcement that she will attend Whitworth College in the Fall! We are very excited for her and look forward to hearing about her new adventures as a college freshman!!  

Its so hard to believe how fast time goes by and how short these babies are with us, sleeping peacefully in their own beds.  They all just seem so tiny, still, hardly ready to leave us for college.....to begin their pilgrimage to adulthood.....pave their own paths........spring forward into their own seasons...

The seasons keep moving on, moving forward no matter how much we wish they would linger for awhile longer.....they are constantly and consistently changing, one after the next, reminding us that we must move forward, with them........

I will miss winter..........the chill of the winter wind, the bite of the mornings and the gray afternoons....

But I unreluctantly embrace the spring........its creatures stirring in the new warmth of the spring sun.......the chartreuse color of my hydrangea buds under the windows.......the way the sunlight hits our beautiful mountains as it only does in the first weeks of spring.......

Welcome Spring............but could you pleeeeaaaassse bring us less squirrels????

50 Times......Every Minute.......

Its one of those given acts that we fully expect our body to do for us.....We rarely think about it......We take that simple life sustaining act for granted........50 times every minute.....Every minute we live...

Today my Mom leaves the hospital again.  Doctors feel she has recovered from the Pneumonia and she will be released today.  But her breathing is something she is conscious of, every second, every minute, every day.......Its unimaginable what that effort and strength must be like to sustain......The delicate balance between the body's need for oxygen.....Too much and too little........

I cant imagine how the brain and the heart deal with the terms of our human life living its final act.......How do we prepare ourselves for our last days as well as move forward, fearlessly, waiting for the voice of God to meet us at our final destination?

Today is full of life giving seconds......moments that slip through our fingers unnoticed and unrecognized.....periods of fullness of breath and heart....

Today I will try and be present in as many of those moments as I can....being aware of the life-force around me....in my lungs, in my blue sky, in my daughters smile, my sons peaceful slumber and my husbands kiss....

I will be try and be thankful for whatever today brings......stress, joy, fear, pain, love.....because they are all gifts......

50 times......every minute........gifts

Breathing.........

I am so thankful........

The Luxury, to Dream.......

When I was a little girl, I didn't ever cut out magazine pictures of my future wedding dress.  I didn't draw yellow houses with picket fences picturing my adult self living in them.  I didn't have a clue what kind of man I wanted to share my life with or if I'd have one.  To me those were luxuries. Luxuries not affordable to me. Most of the time I felt like I didn't belong....... anywhere.  I didn't fit the picture of a typical family.  I didn't have a relationship with my biological father most of my childhood.  I don't have one now.

But one thing I did know was that I wanted my own family.  I wanted to be married in a church.  I wanted a husband who was devoted to me and his children.  I wanted a family centered in a Christ.  I wanted to celebrate my 50th Anniversary someday.  I wanted lots of children!!!

I did have a wedding...... a lovely wedding! 

 It was difficult to navigate but I have the pictures to prove it!!  It happened in a church by my own faith that I have embraced for the past 21 years.  The man waiting for me at the alter had his eyes and his heart completely focused on me.  My eyes were locked on his from the moment I stepped in the aisle.  

Having all the children we wanted didn't come as easily as I thought they would,  but they came in unimaginable ways, wrapped up in miracles.  Our family is centered on our beloved Lord.  I have a home that is more beautiful than any torn out pages of a magazine (at least to me).  It's not yellow.  It doesn't have a white picket fence.  It's not perfect.  But it's more than a house.  It's our home.  I would be blessed if I lived here until my last breath.

But I know that the beauty of this family, that I now belong to, is that where ever we are or wherever we go.....

I am home.

An Ending and a Befriending.......

Sometime during Holy Week, my most trusted confident, my blackberry, finally read its last words.......I have now joined the ranks of the modern world and am in a committed relationship with.......

 an iPhone.....

Its too early to tell...........I am very old school and I do not like change.  I LOVED my blackberry!! It was almost the first thing I touched in the morning and the last thing I touched before I went to sleep.  It was trust worthy, it knew exactly how to access all my information at any given time.  It was reliable and fit perfectly in my hand.  Yes, indeed, the addiction was noteworthy.  I have no idea what I would do without my phone.  It could rule the world!! It could tell you more about me than anyone.  It knew all my secrets.

Sooooooo........I am still getting to know this new confidant and am hopeful and slightly skeptical that we will enjoy a long, healthy, mutually exclusive relationship.

Here is my first iPhone photo:

This is Sadie...........

OK, I am still learning!!

Hoping that this new apendage will befriend me with the same loyalty as my beloved Blackberry, 

R.I.P...................

Enjoying Spring........

I hope your Easter was filled with celebration and all the people you love.  

Our church had a lovely service with beautiful, jubilant music for the celebration!

From there, we took a drive up to Solvang, a quaint Danish town, with lots of yummy baked goods and Scandinavian flair.  Always nice to walk along the streets on a beautiful sunny day with my family in tow (minus my firstborn who we were in continual text throughout the day).

It was fun to learn a little about the history of Solvang and view some of the original buildings from 1911 still in use today.

Its always nice to come home, too!  We miss Sadie (our dog) and just the familiar surrounding that always feel like an inviting, warm hug when we walk through the door.

My freshman is on Spring Break this week and my husband has taken him and a friend to the beach.  Our gracious Papa and Grandma have allowed them to crash their beautiful home for a few days.

My final child and I are enjoying "girl" time, getting back into the school of things.  

Its hard to believe the end of the school year is only several weeks away!!  It really did fly by this year and I am so grateful for that because I miss my firstborn!! He will be home for, hopefully, a very long summer, a lot of which I'm sure will be spent with friends catching up on all the varieties of first year college experiences!!

Today even smells like spring!! I can feel it arriving and see it in the special way the sunlight hits my house as it only does in the springtime.  

Enjoy the your Spring day today........wishing you special sunlight in all the beautiful parts of your world!

"Good", indeed......

I have always felt the irony of this day's title....."Good" Friday.  Although it is, indeed, the best day for the children of God, the actual historic visualization is so hard to feel good about.  Jesus suffered profoundly on this day, crying out for His father, feeling alone and in excruciating anguish.  His mother desperately watching, her heart must have bleed with her son as he hung on that wooden cross by a few nails.

It is so painful to think about and yet so important to let into our hearts so we can truly try and understand how much our God loves us, beyond our understanding......

My heart is heavy today but I am so thankful for the love and grace of God today.  For the true gift of His grace.  For His son, Jesus.

May you feel the "Goodness" of forgiveness in your life today...

Remember who you are and Whose you are....

When you leave through the front doors of my home you see this:

It says "Remember who you are and Whose you are..." I hope it is a reminder to my family and friends to remember they are a child of God, wherever they go....

Today we celebrate Maundy Thursday, the Last Supper Jesus would have with his disciples.  This is heavy on my heart today.  I have always found this church service extremely moving...I can feel the symbolism deep in my heart, visualizing Jesus washing the feet of his disciples that day before he would begin to explain to them what was about to transpire, in Him, through Him and to them......

What is most heavy on my heart today is trying to imagine what the weight of the world's sins must have felt like to Jesus....How could he possibly carry the weight of these sins on His shoulders....I know he trusted the Lord completely and had time to pray and reflect on what was to come...but did His humanness allow him to feel fear?  Was he scared?  Did ever feel like he could not accomplish was what set before Him??

This makes me think about my Mom, too....Not in the sense of bearing the sins of the world but in the reality of knowing the end was/is near.  It is terribly painful to watch someone wrestle with those realities.  Its very scary, even when we can trust that Jesus is there, in heaven, waiting, with out-stretched arms to embrace us.  Our humanness makes us have moments of fear, doubt and even disbelief that we will make it to our eternal home, walking with Jesus at our side....with no pain, with all our questions answered and our hearts desiring only to be with Him....

Sometimes the burdens of life seem just too difficult to carry... the days impossible to endure....the struggles and the unknown making the air too thin to breathe....

But today I can fill my heart with this Man who came for each one of us, who wants nothing more for His trials then for us to follow Him....and He doesn't ever stop whispering in our ears, " I am here to take carry these burdens for you" because .....

YOU are "SO LOVED"......

May you remember today, to give your burdens to Him... and most of all that you are perfect and you are loved.......

Loving and Leaving, too........

My firstborn crossed the threshold of my front door this morning.......but he was going back to school, not coming home.  The emotion of his arrival always makes my heart feel like a helium balloon, so full and so ready to burst with joy the second I lay my eyes on him!  When he leaves, my heart is in my throat, not wanting my eyes to meet his for fear they will spill over and flood my shoes.....I miss him so much my body literally feels achy, like I am coming down with something or I had a good work out (the later is so desperately needed but did not happen).  We all feel his absence while he is at school.  I have made many tuney suggestions (completely in jest) like "lets call the whole thing off".  Didn't help.  I have to let him grow up and learn how to journey out in the world without us.  Not without our love, but without our physical selves.  He just still feels like so much apart of me...........

My final child made a beautiful cake for her Aunt's Birthday today.  It looks like this:

We will deliver it to her Aunt tomorrow.  I am so proud of my final child's sweet heart and the great strides she making lately.  My husband and I see so much progress and so much hard work in the last few months.  She has been recently diagnosed having ever so slight signs of mild autism.  She is extremely high functioning.  She also works hard to overcome other battles as well.  We could not be more proud of her!

Last week was Spring Break for my firstborn.  This week is Spring Break for my final child and next week is Spring Break for my Freshman!  Can you believe it?  That's what happens when you have three children in three different schools........We cant really do anything together but I also get some one-on-one time with each so I am thankful for that.

My little Mom is back in the hospital again.  They think she has pneumonia this time.  That bacterial infection does not happen to go well with Emphysema.  She was home for about two weeks and now back to her home away from home.  She seems to be doing better than expected.  They are pumping her with plenty of antibiotics and steroids.  We are praying for her comfort, peace of mind, and of course a speedy recovery from the pneumonia.

I hope your Monday finds you enjoying Spring and the beautiful colors it brings.  

I hope all your loved ones are all crossing the threshold of your front door, in-coming and not out-going!!

Blessings!!