On a Clear Day.......I Cannot Lie......I Cannot See Forever......

Hello blogger world!  Yeah, I know, it's been eons........

And as "they" say, whoever THEY are, everything and not much has changed....

Some things have finally been put to rest......My Mom finally, heroically lost her 4 year battle with lung cancer 9 months ago.  She passed peacefully, on her own terms.  I think she felt empowered to make her own final decisions. I think she felt in charge and also dignified in her decisions. I think she was depleted and exhausted to fight one more day. Throughout her life she taught me so much about being strong, physically and emotionally. And in the end, these lessons continued and I am left thankful and in awe of her capacity to endure, to sustain, and to soldier on.........

So thats one of my everything's.....it's a different world without a parent in it. There have been a couple times when I thought I saw her. There have been times when I have heard her laugh in a crowd. There have been times I wish I could talk to her......

The requests for healing for my son.......they continue.......It's been an ugly battle.  A devastating war. A relentless struggle that continues much in the same way since I left you here.......We have tried every angle, every expert, the best we can possibly afford.........I honestly there are times when I believe he is worse off then he was the last time I wrote here......

So..........the prayers continue..........as I white-knuckle "hope"..........

and.......in the next month or two, my husband and I will have to sell our forever home.......

It's heart wrenching.........

It's been a pretty dark year......right up until the final days.......

And 2016 will certainly bring us to our knees (even though I thought we were already there!)........

But, as my tattoo reminds me......

I am....."So Loved".......

Welcome September......

After a much needed long weekend, it's hard to believe its September......

I am reading about turning leaves, chilly nights and putting away summer clothing.......

Unfortunately, I don't get to experience much of that here in So Cal.  It really doesn't cool down here until about Halloween......  We are expected to hit the mid 90's here this week.....

I am envious of my fellow humans who get to revel in actual seasons!!!  It sounds marvelous to me!!  Chilly fall days, snowy winter nights, colorful rainy springs..........Can't you just picture it???

But.....I am thankful to be exactly here......Praise God for where I am planted.......It is a lovely place and I am grateful for it......

Seasons........

I am still in the "healing" season.....Waiting desperately to end this one and begin the next one.......But trying to patiently await His perfect timing in it while being still and quietly thankful for the blessings I currently live.......

Wishing September healing for anyone seeking it......Wishing September color, as only God can grant......Wishing September love spent with all those close to your hearts!

Kairos..............

Waiting for the "right time"......for God's time........

Because that is the perfect time to heal him.........

The ONLY time to heal him......

In the mean time, I twist and wring out my hands with sweat, try and quiet the doubts and fears that rise up inside in me, and keep wiping the tears that stain my checks and cloud my vision.........

"Jesus, how can You possibly pour into to him when he is so closed to us and to You?".........

"Jesus, how can I get him on the path to You and to healing if he cannot even see the sinful, dangerous, destructive world he is living?"........

"Jesus, how do I hold the face and heart of this angel and walk in Your Grace without allowing this to suck me in like a funnel of darkness?".........

It's getting harder......

This demon is relentless.......

It has a firm hold and powerful grasp......

Only You, Jesus, can release this......

We keep seeking, praying, and asking for Your wisdom to heal him........the angels that have tried, have failed........

But maybe You are calling for an army of angels.......

As we await the meeting of the newest angel, I try patiently, ever so patiently, to await Your healing.....

And my prayers certainly are for him, ALL for him.......

But I am weak and weary........I need to rest my soul in your arms......I need to repair my broken heart with Your love.........

Waiting for your "kairos" sweet, Jesus...........,,,,

Please, armor us with Your strength, Your wisdom, Your comfort, Your healing!!

Your healing..........Your healing.........Your healing.........

......So Very Much.........

........and I hugged him until the pressure released all the air from my lungs and all the love from   

         heart................

.......and I whispered "I just love you so very much"...........

.......and he smiled, that sweet, but scarce, tweeked smile, that heals my soul and warms the love that     

       I feel for him in the branches of my veins.........

......."I love you, too" he answered..........

........and I hold it, ever so closely in my heart tonight, as my eyes close and I praise God so gratefully, 

        for this day, just this one, that he is here........

.......safely, in the loving arms of his family, being loved........

.......and, hopefully, I pray, feeling loved........

It's Been a Million Days......

I feels like it anyway since I have taken any time to write here........

I am learning that the word "patience" is indicative of just that.....endless movements without certainty of the outcome or end result.........stagnant, stuck, quiet, helpless, bound, tired........

This season of patience, that I find myself in, includes sleeplessness, heartbreak, fear, constant anxiety and more questions than answers.........

However.........I still see God.......I see him working.......I know He is here with us fulfilling a plan beyond what I can possibly imagine.........

There are affirmations of His hand, in ours, in the most desperate, unexpected moments.........

He isn't leaving us alone.........

Yet, I am trying, unsuccessfully, to trust him COMPLETELY........At times I am reluctant to let go of the steering wheel, even though I know I am not the driver and the destination is not in my navigation.....

I am weak and ashamed to admit that I let my fear wash over His love and truth.........At times I demand answers, beg for healing, barter for understanding, ask all the "why me's"...........

And I wait........the requirement for patience is relentless,  it's weighs heavy on my heart.......I ache for healing, for endurance, for wisdom, for comfort..........

And then, there are moments, sometimes a cluster of them, when the fog lifts and the rays of sunshine break through the mucky clouds...........I HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS ALREADY..........

I have healing, maybe not the kind I have prayed for, but there is healing in other ways.......

And boy, have I endured!!!!  This has been a very long road and without endurance to put one foot in front of the other, I wouldn't be here.......

And Wisdom........God has placed many, many angels in our lives throughout this season......unexpected angels at unexpected times, in unexpected places..........I am so thankful!

Comfort is mine, not in the way I have hoped for, but in an ultimate kind of way.......Knowing God is with me, with us, and we are not alone.......This is what brings me the comfort to close my eyes at night and to swing my feet over the bed in the morning and stand, greeting another day.......

I must keep my eyes on him, my knees on the ground and my hand clasped firmly together.......

My heart beats continuously for Him.......

And for him..........

A Carbon "Heartprint"........

                                      "So loved".......John 3:16

I was listening to the radio this morning in the car.......

The topic of discussion was energy conservation and leaving our "carbon footprint"........

Of course, this is not the first time any of us have heard this topic......

Although I do my best to conserve energy, water and be a good steward of God's gifts on the planet, I do not really dialogue about leaving a carbon footprint very often......

I have thought a lot lately about what my hopes were for my children when I became a Mom......

I am sure they were and are pretty common with most other Mommy's who adore their children........

But I realized that I have failed in many areas I had so hoped to teach them, share with them and protect them from.......If I had a chance for a do-over, I honestly don't know how I could have done it any differently, although I am sure I could have......

So.......as I continue on my quest to be the best Mom that I can be, my prayer is that I will leave a carbon "Heartprint" on my children's lives........That my greatest legacy will be a gift of faith.......The gift of knowing how much God loves them and that Jesus died for them........

No matter what happens and whatever I have failed to teach them, by my words or my example, that they would have the faith of a warrior........

Because my entire survival is because of Gods love and grace for me.......

And if they, too, have a heart full of love and service in faith.......

Then there is no greater legacy than that.........

Gods love and grace will fill the gaps in my teaching and my loving......

And that is my ultimate prayer for my children.....

To leave a carbon "Heartprint" of faith so strong and unshakable, that any storm, any hardship, any temptation will have no place in their journey........

The Third Day of Summer........

This is the view from The Getty Museum........

That's Century City in the foreground and downtown L.A. in the background........

If you have not had a chance to visit the Getty yet, it's really a "must-do"..........it has unmatchable views of Los Angeles and it is so lovely........You can just spend the entire afternoon with an iced tea and a patio chair and be perfectly content.....

Don't know what's in store for the rest of the summer.......

I hope to get back here very soon......

And yes........I have already heard the infamous words from my final child "I'M BORED"!

It's going to be a long, hot summer!............

The Gentlest of Gentlemen.........

I think he holds the wisdom of all the world in those eyes......the windows to his gentle soul......

Spending the afternoon among this gentlest of gentlemen.......

He makes you forget about everything else going on in the world.....

He commands peace, serenity and love......

I am thankful for the opportunity of respute..........

Progress.....it's a Funny Thing.........

Progress.......it's a funny thing......

Progress, despite personal fulfillment, is forward moving......It's positive motion towards beneficial health and wellness with the eventual outcome leading to inner happiness....

Isn't it?........Or am I wrong?.........

Don't we have to sometimes live in an uncomfortable state to reap the benefits of progress?......

Doesn't the "progress" of forward moving discomfort meant to teach us to live in adversity?  To survive in undesirable conditions no matter how unsatisfying it may be to our own personal human gratification?........

When we decide we can no longer live there, does it mean we are weak? Selfish? Narcissistic? Certainly we are human and sinful, but what does it take to find the courage and willful drive to live in that uncomfortable space, FOR NOW, not forever.........JUST FOR NOW........and patiently await what we find on the other side?........

Why do we insist on needing to gratify ourselves at whatever cost......to our health, our safety, our relationships, our loved ones?..........

Why isn't our promise to each other more important than our human desires?  Why isn't our word, our self-respect, our integrity most important?  Why is disappointing people you love, breaking your promise to them, less important than our own desires?

What is even more confusing is when progress is misread, misinterpreted.......When you trust the process of progress........and sometimes, when you trust the words of someone you deeply love.....

You believe their promise, their words.......They are moving forward, they are doing the uncomfortable work, they are making progress.....

Perhaps progress is abstract......perhaps progress is objective.....Perhaps one person's progress is another persons prison......Perhaps progress cannot be obtainable within the bounds that we define it....Perhaps progress must be left for God to map, to navigate, to define......Perhaps the progress of one will be the at the cost of others......Perhaps progress may not include safety, health or wellness.....Perhaps God must allow ramifications to light the paths of others......

I am processing at the moment.......these are streams of trying to understand.......Please God, help me understand this!......Give me the strength and patience to trust you in this space I find myself in......

My heart hurts, my being aches for answers, my soul prays for healing.......

Good Yontif...........

Tonight, at dusk, begins the celebration of freedom!

As the 14th day of April ends and the sun slowly makes its way into the sea, there is a new beginning!!

Even as Christians, we share your joy in Passover!!!

We celebrate your freedom, this day, so long ago, as Moses led you, the Jewish people, out of Egypt and into freedom!!!

With every ending is a new beginning...........

May God bless you this week and always!!!!

Happy Pesach!!!!

A Moveable Feast, Indeed........

"Blessed is He, who comes in the name of The Lord ........."

A moveable feast, indeed.......

Today we celebrate Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem.......

Traditionally, we celebrate this with the leaves of palm trees to commemorate that day.  The people of Jerusalem laid branches of palm leaves down on the road in which Jesus would humbly arrive on the back of a donkey........

The donkey was symbolic for peace.......

It was a great celebration that day with anticipation for this Prince of Peace.....

Shouts of joy were amplified in the streets and beautiful hymns were sung as Jesus arrived.....

Wherever you are today......May you patiently await Jesus' arrival........

May we praise Him and sing to Him as we yearn for His presence among us........

May we lay our own branches down in the road to humbly anticipate his coming.....

May the celebration of Jesus arrival bring your heart joy, love and hope!

And He Cries......

And he cries......

With a silent pitch that unnerves my soul........

Like a whistle only keen to a dog's ears....

Like an open mouth silent scream in a nightmare......

Helpless, I reach for him.....

He sees my outstretched hand but is paralyzed to grab hold.....

The pitch is deafening to my ears.....

I ache to pull him in closer.....

To whisper, "You have the power!"....

But I wrestle with my innate, helpful will....

I dont want to be an obstacle on his path....

I dont want to impede this journey, his journey.....

His compass to find himself......

For now, he is blinded by the fog.... 

Yet obstinate to dig out his own boulevard.....

He cannot see the tools that surround him.... 

That would ease this laborious exhaustion that engulfs him.....

"It's here!" I long to bellow........

"Try this one!" I scream under my own voice......

"I'm here!" I repeat in every moment....

In my words, in my actions, in just being present to him.....

.......and he cries.......

 

My Feet Were Made for Walking..........

Can't you just hear this song in your head?

I am not even sure who sang it but I am sure that it probably reveals my age............

I have mentioned before that I am thoroughly enjoying a new on-line bible study this year.  

She Reads Truth......

You can enjoy it here: She Reads Truth

We began the book of Jonah yesterday..........

This book automatically makes me visualize the movie Pinocchio.......its the whale thing......

I miss the meaning of this entire book, so often, because I just keep thinking about Jonah in the belly of that whale..........

Today, we focused on a few brief verses in the beginning of the chapter......How God asks Jonah to go preach to the naughty Ninevites about their wicked ways......

What is Jonah's knee-jerk reaction??  To cut and run, of course........

Can't you easily relate to Jonah's reaction?  Can't you just hear him talking to God, or maybe just under his breath, "You want me to do what?" (muffled exasperation) "You want me to go where and talk to whom?"........

Jonah says to himself,  "NO WAY!!!! NO HOW!!!!".......

Can you blame him?

How many times have I been so uncomfortable, surprised or even shocked when God presents something to me in my life that I just cannot wrap my small, human brain around?........

My knee-jerk reaction?...........Same as Jonah........NO WAY! NO HOW!

I have a million reasons, too.......I am waaaayyyyy to busy to commit to that.......I am too afraid to do that.........I am too uncomfortable to do that.......I like what I am doing now.......I don't want to change anything right now........I will TRY to do that, but sometime later........I cannot afford that financial or emotional risk right now........

I have a million more EXCUSES that I create as obstacles between what I want and what God may want or ask me.........I really don't do it on purpose, either........My entire goal in life is to walk with God as closely bound to his side as I possibly can.......

So why do I do this?  Why is my first reaction so Jonah-esque?........

Certainly fear......Not completely trusting God........My own selfish desires or comforts........

I pray to be more receptive and more reactionary and decisive when I hear God today........

I pray that I have more courage to place my life, completely, in his hands............That's the only place I desire to be.......

I pray that I have the courage, not to flee FROM Gods requests, but TO them.........

I pray that if He asks me to wipe the dust from my feet, strap my boots on and keep walking, that I will be faithful enough to obey........

De Profundis Clamavit ad the Domine!..................

"Out of the depths I cry to You, oh Lord!"........Psalm 130

Haven't we all been here..........with our arms desperately outstretched towards the Heavens, pleading for our Father's grace and mercy?

I know I have.......

"I cry....

You forgive us.....

So we can serve You.

My hope......

I wait......

For full redemption."

I paraphrased this verse, trying to pull out the words that came off the page........

The message is so clear, isn't it?......We confess our sins from the depths of our souls.....and our God hears our pleas, our sorrows.......and He forgives us so that we may fully, with clean and clear hearts, serve Him.........That's were we must be to truly embrace Him and His purpose for our lives.......

This Psalm is a preparation for confession........       

This would be a wonderful scripture to begin each morning with Him.........a way to humble ourselves before Him as we open our eyes and hearts to a new day.......everyday we are reborn and renewed......We know that He will not fail us....That his promises and gifts of grace and forgiveness
are awaiting us........His love is ours to redeem........Jesus, is our promise of that forgiveness..........

The desperation is so clear in these words.......The genuinely deep, sorrowful voice, hoping, praying and waiting for God to place his gentle hand to our cheek, "I forgive you, child.......I love you".........

Can't you just imagine what God's hand feels like against our skin?............

Do you allow your heart to truly invite God's forgiveness so that you may serve Him with a clean heart and a clear conscience?

I don't know about you but sometimes I am so much less I should be.........In my thoughts, my words and my actions.......In actions I am conscious of, and actions that I am not........

But I know that I am loved..........There is no better comfort than that certainty........the promise that God forgives me and He loves me, even still.........

Repeat this Psalm this morning, in the quiet spaces of your soul........or out loud, reading these words with soulful intent.........

And embrace Gods gifts of grace and love with confidence and certainty.........

You are "So Loved"...........John 3:16

Yes, you are!..........

#SheReadsTruth

When Christians have Conflicts............

It's so confusing isnt it?..........

As Christians, we claim to be faithful people........Constanting seeking righteousness and an intimate relationship with our Lord and Savior.........

Hopefully, have our heads and our hearts in THE book and our knees bent in submission, daily..........

We are attending church, sharing our time and talents, serving our brothers and sisters, especially those in need...........

This goes without saying, am I right?................

So far, so good............

Is it not completely and dumbfoundedly the most troubling experience when fellow church members find themselves in conflict with each other?...........

It's heartbreaking.........

We are called, as Chrisitans, to a higher standard........"To love one another" are some of the most important words and teachings that Jesus ever taught us..........

Yes, we are also called to seek justice and act boldly, as we walk this journey........

But ultimately, it's about love, right?..........

And we are all sinners........We all fall short of these teachings multiple times throughout our day.......In thought and word and deed.......In things we have done and things we have left undone...........

So the difficulty presents itself when we are not loving and ungodly in the way we treat each other.......

So......how do we respond to a brother or sister in Christ who is immune to their behavior, their intentions and their agendas?..............

How can we "lovingly" respond to these transgressions and bring light to the individual?..........

The bible calls us to handle it first, by sitting with this person, one-on-one............by lovingly, patiently trying to resolve the conflict directly..........

If this does not bring resolution, we are called to bring in a third party, a mediator of sorts for help.......

If this still does not bring a solution, we are called to share it with our church, with love, truth and a humble heart..........

And even then, God may have a different plan......

He may allow the chaos, the seemingly shady undertows, for a bigger purpose.......A better purpose........

But it's still painful, hurtful and ultimately so confusing........

Especially when these are elders and leaders of the church..........

But they are no less human than I am and I know they make the same mistakes I do.........

everyday......

So we work hard to patiently bridge these gaps and faults between us.......and with prayer, study and self-control, we keep trying to walk in truth and transparency...........

We try to remain open so that the love of God will continue to shape and mold our hearts and our spirits into whom He wants us to be and become.......

That's the key here........

We must be willing to keep our eyes on Him,

On the Sparrow.......

Because I know he watches me..........

And especially today, as we mark the beginning of Lent, may we remind ourselves that we are all dust......

May we focus on Jesus and the suffering he endured FOR us!  

May we fill our hearts today with that amazing, generous and whole gift of love.......

May we thank Jesus by re-gifting that same love to others..........

At a Crossroads...........

I am going to put myself out on a limb here, and try to explain what is on my heart lately......

I hope my words will be received in the same spirit in which I write them here......They present themselves on this post exactly as they live in my heart.......

I would never ever condemn anyone for what they believe to be true for themselves.....

This is just me......my humble heart, releasing here, what it believes, and hopes and yearns to be.........righteous in my Fathers name........

Please accept my genuine, bent-knee request for forgiveness if I offend or hurt anyone else's truth....

I have believed in my Heavenly Father since my earliest memory....I had an awareness of His presence in my life as soon as I became aware of my own.......

I loved being in church.......I was always amazed, as a young girl, by the community of others gathering  together to worship Him........It gave me a sense of belonging, beyond my family, that I was connected in a profoundly deep relationship with this larger group of others who congregated with me, at church.........The church and the people in it, always filled me with comfort, peace and contentment......Like returning home from a long absence, every single time I came.......I have that experience, still today.......

As a human experience, mine wasn't spared any of the typical dysfunction........My faith healed what had been broken, absent or left undone.........My relationship with my Father became my life-force, in the fullest most complete sense........

My faith began in the Catholic church.  I was baptized as an infant, I assume of my father's insistence......My parents divorced when I was five and therefore my church attendance was much more limited until I was in middle school......In middleschool, we moved 45 minutes away, to a house that was 1/4 mile from the nearest church......And it was no accident that that church was a Catholic one.......(my husband and I have come to call this a "God-shot")

I began attending church, sometimes Saturday nights and sometimes on Sunday, from that time........

I did this alone, but didn't feel strange about it at all........Again, it felt like home......("God-shot")

I then signed up for a new-member class......The teacher of that class had a daughter my age at my new school.....We became friends........Through that relationship I met others who were in the confirmation program.........(see where I am going here?)

In high-school, I then began asking other friends, whom didn't attend that church (maybe not any church) to come with me.......It wasn't unusual for us to go to church on Saturday night and then get some dinner afterwards.........This became pretty consistent throughout high-school and until I met my husband.......

The only relationship I had, prior to my husband, was with a boy who lived 1 block from me.  He also attended this Catholic church........

My husband is a life-long Lutheran......His family has a documented three hundred year history in the Lutheran church, at minimum...........And as I have written here before, I knew almost immediately that he was meant to be my husband......Yikes!  Could I be a Lutheran?

From the first night we met, our faith was discussed.......Among hours and hours of conversation, we revealed each of our hopes, dreams, beliefs and the details that revealed our hearts openly, to each other.......yeah, profoundly significant hours of my life........one of the many bold affirmations that remind me who I am......A child of God.........(Yup, GS)

So, before I was willing to commit my life to this man, I needed to find out about this "Lutheran" thing......What did he believe?  Could I faithfully, without reservation, embrace this new home that my husband invited me into?

I studied for 9 months, every Sunday afternoon, with my husband's pastor.........He was so gracious to me and gifted me with his emense vault of biblical and theological knowledge........I am still so grateful for those months......

And fast forward, 26 1/2 years later, I have called myself a Lutheran, raised my children as Lutherans and identified myself as such, wholly..........

Here is the wrinkle.......The larger church body that governs our particular chapter, made a decision to revise their stand on same sex marriage......

Yeah, I know.......Turn on your air-conditioner, grab an icy cold beverage, it's getting hot in here!......

It's a major political hot topic.......

Since that decision by our larger church body, we have seen the impact of the issue.......Many people, in my case Christian's, are very divided on this subject........many churches, under this bigger body, have severed their relationship with that larger body..........We, our church, have been divided on this issue, not unlike the division this subject seems to have on the entire population, Christian or otherwise.......

So here we are.........

Until the immediate past, my husband and I felt strongly about the institution of marriage.......That God's purpose for marriage was between a man and a woman.......This is not to say we do not consider ourselves anymore worthy of love or respect than anyone else, heterosexual or homosexual........I have had very close friends that were gay, and I have loved them, dearly.........

But this is what my husband and I believe, from what our personal study, our group studies, our pastoral counsels and how we interpret the bible........

Until about a month ago.........

Now, we are experiencing this division, in our home, in our marriage......

My husband decided to devote hours and hours on this issue, as he is called to do, if his heart is wrestless..........and I am bewildered and devasted that I was not aware that he was unsure.......I had no idea.......we had always been convicted about this issue.......we were honest and not uncomfortable to respectfully share our beliefs about this subject.......We didnt question this confirmation of ideas at all.......We stood firmly, or so I believed.......

But, I guess, my husband didn't........

This wasn't on my radar......I didn't see it, even remotely, on the agenda.........

My husband is my best friend.......I know him inside out........and I could confidently proclaim that I even know him better than he knows himself!!........Ask him!   He will attest to this.............

But how could I truly know my husband, genuinely, on the intimate, deepest level, if I didn't feel this shift in his heart?  I know his heart......I recognized it before we exchanged one word to each other.....

How could I not feel this change coming?  How could I not sense this?

So.........

The familiarity in our relationship has become askew........What my heart has assumed and taken for granted for 26 1/2 years feels loose, unstable and out of rhythm......

It is more than the issue at hand........I admit that I am not only taken back by this reversal but the wake that this has created impacts other chambers.......it spills over to other spaces that reveal new questions, new fears, new doubts.........

I believe my husband has made the right decision for him.....He is awkward in his new testimony, 

a bit defensive, and sometimes worn the similar garments this issue adorns on either side.......condemnation, justification, and an outspokenness that I am not used to......to be honest, as these conversations have transpired, I am accountable for those transgressions as well........

But even still, I believe he feels righteous in his new understanding of the prophets and the living words of God..........

So we are divided.......

The same words, from the same book, mirror back to us different images..........Our eyes, and our brains, read the same words, now, with different lenses, different intellectual and spiritual interpretation..........Our hearts receive these words, Gods words, with different emotions, with different pulses........

And just as my God's words springforth from the same pages that my husband has so intently dissected, their literal yet living messages are both speaking truth to each of us..........in different languages, it seems.........

I am shaken........I am saddened by this journey of my husbands that I feel excluded from.......I feel like I am truly grieving........There is a pain of loss.......Like there has been an accident, a sudden emergent fatality of sorts........I can't put my finger on it.......

I have so many questions......

Some of them:

How will it feel to differ so greatly in our interpretation of the bible?  Of our faith?  Of the teachings of our God?  Can we still feel connected, on the same intimately deep level with such different beliefs Of God's purpose for our lives?  Isn't that the very first thing that bound us together?  It certainly is the deepest aspect of our relationship.......

If someone has had strong, passionate beliefs on any specific issue, does it mean they may waver on others, too?  Does it mean at any given moment in our relationship that the proverbial "rug-pulled-out-from-under-me" feeling may rise up, unannounced, at any given time on other issues I know to be true?

Can we have the utmost respect and trust for each other that is essential in a successful, life-long marriage?  

Will this seperatness that I feel begin to unravel in other areas?  Like a virus or in curable disease?

Do we truly know each other like I have always believed?  Truly?  

This is where I find myself on this day of Valentines.......

I don't know how to live here.....in this strange place that is so completely unfamiliar.........

I feel like I need to pick up the phone and seek counsel from my best friend.......but wait......my husband is my best friend.........

The solice I seek must be found in Him.......If I am wrong about Gods divine purpose for marriage, my eyes will meet Gods, at His invitation, with remorse and repentance........But I have rest knowing and believing that He knows my heart!.......He created it!  He knows that His love and His ways surpass my understanding......He knows that I have worked so hard to righteously understand, with human knowledge, his purposes and teachings for my life.........And my actions are not unloving or unforgiving of my brothers and sisters.......My heart is merely devoted to my Lord whom I want to be received as a "good and faithful" servant........Not without blemish, but in service to Him with an unshakable devotion......

So.....I continue on......with my cross securely braced upon my right shoulder.........My current pace shudders.....I stagger and stumble to find my balance.......

I am readjusting my beloved cross, once again, just as I have done before.........

I stand at this crossroads of my journey, tired, shaken and unbalanced.......

I am currently, so carefully, listening for His direction..........

Meet Our Rockstar........

Our Brody......

In the beginning, I thought our hearts were completely taken by him because he was our first and only pony........I thought we adored him so much because of the joy he brought to my daughter.......I loved him so much because he was the best therapist she has ever had..........

But, in the almost 2 years we have had the honor to call him ours, I have come to realize that there is something quite unique about him, other than our own "Brody" covered glasses.......

Today, as we drove to the barn, I received an email requesting to borrow him for an IEA show.........

Two hours later, while we were untacking him, a high schoolish age girl walked over to us and said "I'm obsessed with your horse"............

I know.......

He exudes an inner strength that radiates from his eyes, his soul........He looks at you as though he understands your inner most emotions......You know, the ones you are masking from the outside world.......the ones you hope nobody sees........He sees them and he understands them........

He exhibits, undoubtedly, unmatchable strength and power.......The power to really hurt or even kill, if he so chose...........Yet it's not the power to control but the power to protect that he wears so regally........like a prince or a knight........

He is a rockstar at our barn..........He is admired and loved and we hear "Ooohhhhhs" and "Aaaaawwwwws" almost everytime we are there at his side.........

This 1,000 pound animal has been a miracle for us, for my daughter and I cannot imagine where we would be without him......

He is the most gentle animal I may have ever known......He loves to be kissed, to be softly caressed on his face and when you brush him he leans on you like a dog.........He makes us laugh and giggle at his funny antics........He loves to get inside the water trough and splash us.........He is feisty when he is hungry.......He will only go No. 1 in his own stall, no where else........(No. 2 happens anywhere)........his favorite treats are bananas.........and he wipes his mouth, often, because he is a distinguished, extremely clean, gentleman........

For all the these things, I am so thankful to be on his receiving end, my daughters receiving end.....

And Brody and I have a quiet moment, each time, before he and my daughter ride.........

After he is under saddle, and his bit is comfortably in his mouth.........As I fasten his noseband and throat latch, his cheek to mine, I whisper quietly "Brody, take care of my girl today, O.K.?".......and I can see in his eyes that he understands my heart-filled request.......and even more so, I know he will fulfill it........

This is why I love him the most...........

And why I am so blessed and so very grateful to be called his friend.......

The Gifts of Time...........

And time passes........

Dragging on, step by step, sometimes like trudging through knee deep snow.....uphill.....

And sometimes the hands of time are always one step ahead, the pace impossibly exhausting......

Sometimes, as strange as it sounds, it evens feels like both of those, simultaneously......

But there is work being done......

I see Him here, His loving hand, stirring, leading and grasping us forward, closer to Him......

I see healing, some physical healing, but to be honest, I have prayed for much more.......

but I wait, I do try, patiently, trusting Him, believing in His love and His promises......

I see other kinds of healing, too........in a family's desperate longing to have a child........in a child's answered prayer for her fathers clean diagnosis.......in the extension of kindness in strangers.......in an unexpected text from my husband........in my son's goodnight hug......In a friends embrace........when my daughter allows me to hold her hand, a little longer than usual.......

In the simple gifts of time......unpredictable moments........with my children, my Mom, an old friend, a brand new friend, our very old Sadie, our very precious old Brody.......in our home, on a walk, in a window of unexpected conversation, in new devotions, in the questions about my church home......

He's here, I have never doubted He would be.......And I still have so many questions like why? and when?...........but I know that time, is not something that I can fathom......the gift of it, I mean........

The beauty of it, the space of it, it's boundaries and vastness.......the opportunity to breathe it in, to feel in it, to love in it.....

That's the treasure of life........

Just to be here, for one more moment, inhaling every ounce of it.........in the deepest, caverns of our lungs.....

And in the exhale, those long seconds of release, there are a few moments of quiet space and clarity, with the hope that there will be the gift of more breath, more time and more love.....

And I try to remember to take moments, intentional breath, feeling the immense love of God in these gifts of time, no matter what they bring or how they pass.......

He is here, holding us in His precious hands, in every priceless one.......

A Healthy Dose of Helplessness......

It seems I am getting my share of this lately........

Today my Mom is in the hospital.....she hasnt been breathing well for a long while, but even worse recently.....

The doctors are doing more testing and scans to see what the current status and stage of her cancer......

She told me recently she has been praying for God to take her........she has stopped praying for healing long ago.....

My Dad is so very sad and so very tired.....not of taking care of her just of all the ups and downs and disappointments.......He must feel frustrated and helpless.....

My sons quest for healing continues.......we are working with a new doctor who we are excited about and who has given us hope........but its very early with this new doctor.......

So here i sit and pray and write about the things i cannot do for these people i love.......i feel like im on a Sit-n-Spin,  using l my strength to turn the wheel but not moving anywhere. Only going round n round, faster and faster. Sometimes feeling exhausted and dizzy but making absolutely no impact......

And as I spin I am reminded to just stop. That i must let God do His work, and yes.......there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix or heal either one.......

The only thing i can do is be still and love them........

Its so much easier to busy myself and keep spinning on the wheel, round n round........round n round.......trying to convince myself that if I just keep going, use all my strength, if i could just go faster.........

Round n round......

Round n round.......

But deep inside, i know better.......

I have to stop, take my hands off the wheel, put them together and pray!

 

Deep Cleaning.........

It's a "post holidays" deep clean today.........

All my cubs are back at that "school" thing this week........

Decorations have been put away........

And the house is, mostly, back in pre-holiday order...........

But today I decided to attack some long over-due deep cleaning.......

My mind is starting to feel more orderly.........

Looking forward to a, so far, quiet weekend and more opportunity to get some other projects checked off the list........

If only the rest of my life was that easy........

Happy Thursday.........